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I'm making this entry public, so everyone can see it. I've been told to stop making 'pity' entrys, i've been told to stop making people feel sorry for me. but you know what. that wasn't the reason why I wrote those entrys. What I don't get is why some people even bother to get into this mess. . . anyway, thats not the reason for this entry. I said awhile ago that I was done feeling sorry for myself. that I was done feeling sad, hurt, angry. when the truth is I can't. and you know why... I lost a friend who was close to me, someone who I could tell anything to. but now over something I did we stopped talking. and that, that is such a weird change. from emailing each other at one point about 20 times a day, sometimes more, to not emailing each other at all that day. this a huge change, and it's hard to get used to.
I keep thinking the first time we talked on the phone. it was so weird... I didn't know what to say. I was really quiet which is unlike me because really, i'm this insane person who doesn't shut up. even in my sleep i still talk. so it was pretty weird.I remember when I went to camp this past summer, even though there was alot on my mind, I still wondered each day how she was doing, and I was excited to get back home and see what was going on, even though that is when it started to go downhill. but I know when I go to camp this summer, even though we aren't talking now, and even though we might not be talking when I leave I'll still be wondering what is going on, how things are going.
weird I know... I had a point to this entry. even though all the stuff that is above probably doesn't fit with anything I said. I just want everyone to know that i miss getting those 20 emails per day. I miss having those crazy msn talks. I must say that we had some weird converstations. and I just want.... no need to know, what is going to happen with us? I know some people say you don't deserve a friend like me. but thats what they say. what do you think? do you think there will ever be a chance where things will be normal with us again?
I know I said before that things will never be the same, and that i should just give up. but I don't think that would be the right thing to do. who just gives up on a friendship? its just not right. so I need to know. what do you think is going to happen? will things work out. or will they not? will you ever be able to gain my trust again?....
let me know. or well, you don't have to.
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lauren_theresa's journal
amused